When I was at college I was a bit of a whimsical chap, my jinks were frequent and invariably high and I spent a goodly amount of effort on procrastination and pointlessness. It was not time wasted as it has made me the man I am today. Okay, okay, it was arguably not time wasted, but to paraphrase the philosopher, Wolverine “I’m the best there is at what I do. But what I do best isn’t very… productive” - procrastination was a calling, it was an art form to us and we did it well and with flare and style.
It was during this time and in one of our plethora of countless and pointless discussions that I (and my like minded wastrels) fell upon the concept of the nature and value of the immortal soul. Essentially, we decided as we ruminated over theology 101, depending on your viewpoint the soul is either worthless or priceless; two words what are often synonymous but had very different connotations. We felt pretty clever about that as I recall. What can I say? I wore a lot of black and had a predilection for Vampires. I was an idiot, worst yet – I was an idiot with intellectual pretensions. If the improbably occurs and I do actually turn out to be a Timelord, the first thing I’m planning to do is go back in time and slap that kid.
But I digress, where was I? Oh yes, either the soul is an immortal record of your moral fibre that will either tip you into either eternal glorification or eternal damnation.
Or it isn’t.
Naturally I wondered if people would actually sell me their souls. I mean, you just do and frankly, if the soul was priceless it would be good to have a spare; just in case. I’m not the religious type, but I suspect that an arrangement could be made by slipping the heavenly bouncers a bit of gratitude. I certainly suspect that’s how it works.
It was essentially an intellectual exercise. I was curious to know how much value people attributed to the soul and if I could convince people to part with it for worldly and mortal gain. I didn’t expect to get interest as any rational person should keep hold of their soul, just on the off chance that it turns out to be worth something. Even if they think the soul is a meaningless and fanciful concept, there is no way of proving what happens after death, so why take the risk? I was sure therefore that both the religious and the scientific alike would keep hold of their soul and treat it like a retirement fund. It might come in handy later on, you just don’t know.
By the end of the first week, I’d managed to acquire 13 of them. I was as shocked as you are. Even more shocking was the price. Payment for souls was varied, but the most I paid for a single soul was a two litre bottle of cola. It wasn’t even good cola! Students eh?
I decided that I was going to stop at 13 as it had a bit of a ominous ring to it and made the story sound better. I envisaged that they’d make a movie out of this tale of wheeler dealing and the script (I imagined) would really need a really solid number to aim for to sell it to be big executives. Sadly, in what I can only describe as a tragedy, I rarely go to the pub with Hollywood movie executives and the movie was never made.
Time passed and a few years later, I feeling guilty that I owned so many people’s souls, so I contacted the owners of the souls I owned and rescinded arrangement. It felt good. Despite being sure that the pieces of paper I had were worthless, it still felt wrong hanging on to them. About five years after that, one of the people I’d bought a soul from, sadly passed away. I cannot deny that I wasn’t somewhat relieved that I’d nullified the contract.
Anyway, these means I currently I have no souls apart from the one I started with. So if you’d like to sell me your soul, please place a comment below with your demands. I of course, will consider them fanciful and am unlikely to concede to them, but all offers are considered.
G’wan, I dare you. I would appreciate you explained what you wanted and what condition you considered your soul to be in, so I can consider your offer.
I’m facing a bit of a conundrum here. You see, my soul is as good a new, lily-white, innocent and sweet. But – selling it would of course taint it! So I can’t possibly do that.
On the other hand, to keep my soul in pristine condition, it demands that I help a friend in need.
So – what to do?
Oh the dilemma!
Soul as incorporeal essence of a person? Not necessarily a record of our moral fibre as that’s going all Christian on the soul and I would hope in trying to hoard souls you wouldn’t be picky about their religion as the Antz won’t get a look in.
Which then leaves us to decide firstly, what our soul is worth to us/to you? Secondly, should we entrust you with it/burden you with it? Thirdly; what would the price for this entrusting/sell job on an old banger be?
As for collect…well, you could collect people together and have collected souls technically? Though you would need some sort of rigorous testing to eliminate the soulless from the collection. Perhaps some sort of kitten/child kicking activity. I presume you mean you would like to ‘collect’ them in more of an aged man in tweed with butterflies pinned to boards manner? Perhaps less tweed and a ‘containment unit’ in your basement. Permanent collection. Would my soul be on display? It may influence my decision if my moral fibre was gaudily strung up with all its unravelling and faulty bobbles hanging out?
Firstly: My soul is worth faith to me, it is wonderful, covered in all manner of excess and madness, all the nasty, grotty mud of life and all the sparkling wonder of it dusted amongst. The mud is probably the best bit though.
Secondly: I see from past history that you have been previously entrusted with a soul or thirteen. In the best case the owners who attached no worth to them and gave them away as valueless probably were glad to be shut of them, or in the most did not appreciate them back. In the worst case the owners who carefully considered their soul gift/sale were fully trusting of you to hold their souls safe and you returned a gift. Either way I am not sure you could be trusted with another batch.
Thirdly: Under the previous circumstance I am forced to admit that whether I attach worth to my soul or not, regardless of its condition, it is best not trusted to someone who feels guilty owning it. This is clearly your problem. You have tried and proved that the only soul you can collect for any amount of time is your own. Congratulations, you have collected all the souls you can.
I could argue between myselves all day but in the end I like to pretend I am Jadzia Dax, a mere custodian, knowing this from the start I am afraid I have led you a merry dance.
However, having also immersed my young self in pointlessness and procrastination, also known as the study of theology and philosophy, I have rather enjoyed having a quick nostalgic argument with myself. Thanks. Word of the day on dictionary.com; screed. Excellent.
Despite your need to prove yourself worthy of being a custodian etc….I would like to make it clear that should you prove your credentials I would offer the custodianship for a swimming pool/lake/loch/any body of water I can swim in and live next to would also suffice!
I did say I saw an idiot back then. I strongly suspect that the reason for my guilt at my last collection attempt was due to not having a purpose for collecting them. I collected them merely because I was collecting them. It seemed unfair for me to be holding on to what could be extremely precious things for no other reason than holding on to extremely precious things. Saying that, I’m only doing this challenge because I was ascribed it by a random internet user, so I can hardly say that I’m collecting them for a good reason. I can however tell that souls will be kept in a dry and climate controlled room, carefully stored and are lovingly looked after. There will be no guilt in owning them, I am a different man than I used to be. Saying that, as I am not going to swap you your soul for a swimming pool, nor do I have a good reason for wanting your soul. It’s unlikely I’ll be able to convince you to part with it. But I did like your nostalgic argument. Screed? How can you have a long monotonous piece of writing? Surely monotony is all in the delivery!
I had a funny chat with my little brother (23, but he’s autistic amongst other things). He said that he’s not sure what his soul does except make him feel bad when he eats more than six (!!!!!) bags of crisps! (Iexplained conscience, he said thats for when he’s doing things wrong, not reckless). He said its the bit of him that takes good care of him but seeing as he’s really good at everything he likes doing now that his soul might like a new challenge to keep you safe as you have a lot of things you have to do that are new…and he would like to eat what he likes without his soul “having a nag”.
So, I asked what he would take in payment for his soul, what is this splendid piece of equipment worth? He said he hasn’t been roller skating in a wee while and that should he take you roller skating and you are worse at this than he is you deserve the soul to keep you safe since he said it can probably keep an eye on him even its yours!
So you are challenged. I believe Liz is down in a few weeks and should you fancy roller skating with us to win this soul you are more than welcome to try!