“What,” you might ask (and I know I certainly did) “is a Tesla Purple Energy Shield?”
Well that is a very good question, an excellent question in fact, I’d certainly never heard of it and I would like to consider myself if not a man of the world, certainly a man of the internet. With that in mind I threw a few pertinent words into Google and came up with the Tesla Shield Website.
“The creation of The Tesla Shield™” it informs us, “was inspired by the work of the famous inventor Nikola Tesla, and was designed by Life Technology™ to heal, strengthen and protect the mind body and soul.”
For those of you who don’t know who Nikola Tesla I can only but suggest you read a book once in a while, however to save time I’ll explain in brief. In essence Tesla was an inventor who made lots of revolutionary developments into the field of electromagnetism. In Tesla’s life time he created around 300 patents and many more inventions including sterling work into the AC Motor, click on his Wikipedia page to find out more. The website goes into great detail about this so I’ve boiled it down (for your convenience) to what a Tesla Purple Energy Shield is:
Blah blah blah “bioactive internal module” blah blah blah “resonate with the cosmic energy particles known as tachyons” blah blah blah “generates a field that slows down the cosmic particles” blah “the human bioenergetic field” blah, blah, blah.
That’s right, it’s a scam. But don’t take my word for it – check out the lovely people at Daily Common Sense who have spent time and effort explaining exactly why the site is a horrific scam. What I’m saying here is, I’m a professional buyer of scam pieces of crap. Please under any circumstances should you try this at home.
But that’s not the best bit, the best bit is the price: There are currently 10 different versions of the Tesla Purple Energy Shield. The cheapest basic model comes in at around $199.95, but if you want more cosmic energy particles for your money, you might want to look at the Eye of Horus 1.0 version at $1995.95.
No, that’s not a typo. They range from two hundred dollars to a whopping two thousand! Problem is, it’s on my challenge list so I’ve got to buy one, but before I waste my money on a piece of crap, it’s worth doing a little research, I don’t want to spend all that “hard earned” cash on something and then find that I’ve bought a purple piece of crap.
Where have I seen this picture before?
Look what I found:
It’s the same bloody picture! It is, they’ve just reduced the resolution! I checked! For those of you who are wondering the reasons for all these exclamation marks, the picture on the right is of a $4 dog-tag key-chain and the picture below is the $199 Tesla Purple Energy Shield. Or is that the other way around?
Well worth nearly two hundred dollars
Spot the difference? In fact, you can buy the key-chain for a measly $2.50 from Bison Design, the people who actually make them. I bought one just now and will keep you posted as to my levels of cosmic enlightenment when it arrives. Actually Bison Design has some pretty good climbing gear in it. Anybody state-side who’s interested should check it out.
Time passed and in the week before my key-chain arrived I’d been afflicted with what I could only describe as a serious dose of the Black Death. My Doctor, an obvious fraud and Charlatan, insisted that I merely had a chest infection but as the days of unbearable coughing continued I was starting to believe that he’d only told me that to make my last few living days as comfortable as could be. I was obviously nothing but a heart-wrenching but Oscar nominated death scene away from becoming a zombie and was serious considering painting a large X on my front door when I noticed the postman using the front door to attract my attention.
I dramatically pulled the portal to the outside world open, potentially infecting the rest of the world and causing future historians to rename me “patient zero” and was surprised to find the Postman did not recoil in terror from my deathly pallor but instead, in an act of bravery that you don’t often see from a employee of the Royal Mail, forced a parcel into my sickly hand and scampered off down the street at an impressive pace (to infect the rest of the world I’ll wager).
I opened the package gingerly; being a dangerous biological weapon myself I had a tendency to see the potential for biological weapons in mostly everything I saw. Fortunately however it was not my subscription to Anthrax Fanciers Monthly but a small purple key chain.
“Excellent!” I thought, immediately attaching the Tesla Shield to my belt, “I’m cured!”.
My Purple Zombie Curing Device
Then, safe in the knowledge of my impending recovery I make a decent attempt to go about my usual business. Now I admit, there’s a good possibility I may not be using it right. After all I had bought a dog tag and not an authentic Purple Jedi Metachlorian Shield so I lacked an instruction manual that no doubt came with the authentic device. Saying that, as I was starting to feel worse I pondered that the beneficial effects of an aluminium dog tag attached to my waist had been somewhat over exaggerated by the nice people at Life Technology.
It was time to look back at the Life Technology website in a desperate attempt to find the instructions that might save me and the world from the impending Zombie apocalypse. Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I AM missing something. From the Life Techology website:
“The internal module consists of a pair of harmonically coupled Zeusite™ microsphere resonators and a Quantum Microvortex™ caduceus coil. Before final assembly at our laboratory, The Zeusite™ microsphere resonators are psychotronically programmed with specific frequencies which promote the health and wellbeing of the mind body and soul.”
That sounded expensive, that might be why the aluminium dog tag costs 80 times less than the basic Purple Energy Shield. I check Nikola Tesla’s wikipedia page to see if it can shed any insight onto “Zeusite™ microsphere resonators” but it looks like I was on my own.
I better talk to my guy and see how much that’ll be. Health failing fast, I hope I’m not too late.
“My guy” in question is a lovely ex house-mate of mine called Piers. Piers is one of my cleverest friends, I wont use the word “polymath” because he’s got a bad back and therefore isn’t good at sports, but when it comes to matters of the mind then there’s nobody finer to ask complicated questions. Imagine if you will Stephen Fry, if Stephen Fry got into a body swap with Henry the Eighth and you wouldn’t be far wrong.
In short order he replied to my plea with a very lovely diagram:
Complicated huh? Well worth nearly 200 dollars!
“I made you the pictures attached. All you need to find really is a small quartz crystal, I’m sure I have everything else.”
How amazing is that? I sent off a suitably impressed email to Piers and was pretty confident that I could make the gubbins myself. Checking my bits box it seemed all I required was a little quartz crystal and I was sorted, so I went off to the shops to see what I could find. Annoyingly the only small quartz crystal I could find in the arts and crafts section of the local bead shop was a crucifix. In deterred I bought it anyway and trundled home to cut it so it fit into my little metal tube.
Taking out my vice and hacksaw my plan was to cut the arms off the cross, and before long I had started cutting off the struts in what I am sure some people would consider blasphemous. The first part of the cross section came off easily enough and I started on the second. But not before I’d gouged a sizeable hole in my thumb.
Fortunately with ever down, there is an up and despite causing myself injury, I reflected happily that shortly afterwards I had managed to invent at least six new swear words. Impressive I know. In hindsight, I suspect this wouldn’t of happened if I wasn’t desecrating a holy icon.
Anyway, I managed to out together a quartz crystal covered in copper wire with a microchip hot glued to the top. The result was not pretty but I managed to jam it into the casing and close the lid.
At time of writing the only thing it has done is bugger all, but admittedly, it seems to be doing that amazingly well. Either way…
